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Friday, January 02, 2009

West Coast Email Forward

The following is a minute-by-minute report of the extreme weather concerns in Victoria , British Columbia:

6:22 a.m. Temperature plunges. Word spreads that a Victoria man finds ice on his windshield! Curious neighbors gather to watch him scrape it off with a credit card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of mysterious "defrost" switch on dashboard can aid in process.

9:30 a.m. Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, umbrellas, plywood, cookie sheets and boogie boards.

10 a.m. Golfers switch to orange balls. Beacon Hill Park cricket players, anxious not to repeat the ugly "snow blower incident" of the Blizzard of '96, switch to orange uniforms.

Noon: Word of impending West Coast snowfall tops newscasts across Canada. Saskatoon hospitals report epidemic of sprained wrists related to viewers high-fiving one another.

1:20 p.m. Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires.

2:30 p.m. Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of four-wheel-drives abandoned by side of road.

2:50 p.m. Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and rest of the world. Times Colonist headline: "Mainland cut off from Civilization."

3:22 p.m. Prime Minister Harper announces Canada 's DART rapid-response team can be on the ground within six months." We can't leave Victoria to deal with 225 centimeters of snow on its own," he tells Mayor Lowe. "Um, that's two to five centimeters, not two-two-five," replies the Mayor. The Prime Minister hangs up.

3:33 p.m. Provincial government responds to crisis by installing slot machines in homeless shelters.

4:10 p.m. At behest of Provincial Emergency Program, authorities begin adding Prozac to drinking water.

4:15 p.m. Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting. Grocery shoppers riot across the city, except in Oak Bay , where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them.

4:30 p.m. Bracing for the arrival of snow, the city is gripped by an eerie stillness reminiscent of Baghdad on the eve of the invasion. Searchlights comb darkening sky for first sign of precipitation.

4:48 p.m. Panic ripples across the region as words come in that the first flakes of snow have fallen on the Malahat. False alarm! "Flakes" turn out to be nothing more than anthrax spores released by terrorists. An uneasy calm returns to city.

5:40 p.m. Television reporter, Ed Bain, shaking uncontrollably, tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plummets to Calgary-in-August levels. Martial law is declared. Victoria-area politicians announce plans to establish an emergency command centre aboard HMCS Regina once it reaches Oahu .

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Victoria Blizzard 2008 - Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Victoria commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the Island to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Victorians were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.

Victoria police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Victoria's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.

Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.

Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.

"The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto